When we returned from Camp I stopped loving the story God has for me. Vulnerable and unable to reconcile the way I was treated there, along with returning to financially living on the edge of a knife once again, I just went numb. 8 years of riveting struggle beyond any I have known anyone else to endure (perhaps because few speak of such) collapsed upon me. I simply stopped wanting to try.
I write that as though its past tense. Its not.
This woman who prayed so fervently, read scripture daily and spent a day a week alone with the Lord seeking Him, knocking to Know, pondering, now does none of the above. Even at night when I look at the stars I feel nothing. Numb. Well, there is something I feel; its akin to seeing an old boyfriend. Knowledge, but zero connection.
I did the hard things, took the hard road, gave up everything, have stuck it out. And I feel beaten, as if I have been dragged behind a truck.
I am Noah drunk on the beach (even though I don't drink). I am Jonah with an attitude problem. I am Elijah discouraged and despairing. I am Job saying to God, "you have worn me out." I am bitter Mara once again.
I did not want to come back to Colorado. It has been nothing but a struggle for us here. But Doug felt we should, that "our work here was not done". I am so tired of following Doug. I am so tired of waiting year after year while he tries to figure out what the Lord has for him. I feel that in every life season since we married I have had to pick myself up and counsel my heart to follow this man. Im so tired of counseling my heart. The words ring empty to me now. ( I know this is part of the longterm deal of the Christian life, counseling ones heart, I am just admitting despair and deep discouragement.)
Upon moving back I decided to get a job to help out. I now work two days a week - 12 hour shifts. Its fine. I also reached out to the women's ministry at our church asking how I might help (feels like absurdity with the shape of my heart right now, I know). Somehow I ended up spearheading the shaping of a community wide Titus 2 mentoring ministry. Of all the seasons for me to do such, this one? I tell all those dear to me that it feels like a joke. I, who do not even sing anymore, am telling others to, and how, to mentor? I try to tell others, even within this ministry, how dry I am, but they don't seem to hear me. What language does one use to communicate such?
When we went to Camp we were in a desperate place. Being there met many of the practical needs we had. I felt it was what I was being Asked to do to help Doug and our family. Was I a fool? Being on staff ended up changing everything I felt about that place that I had my entire life held so dear, that my children had held so dear. It subtly changed our whole family structure as well. We have been on multiple church staffs, I understand that ministry is hard. But this was different in every way. I became bitter there. And I have returned bitter. Bitter at Doug, bitter about my life, bitter toward the Lord. And I don't seem to want to work through the bitterness as I have in the past. Its like the fight isn't worth it to me anymore. I fought for so long in so many regards. Im tired now.
Its been 3 months since I returned. I thought things would be better by now.
Each day it feels I have only enough to engage with my daughters. Nothing more. Anything else is manufactured due to need (ministry, marital, relationships outside our home). I feel like the walking dead. Dead in my heart, dead in my mind. I am unable to create, which feels scary.
I think this is what happens when one stops loving the story God has for them. I don't know, I have never been here before.