Sitting together yesterday in a small cafe in Boulder, he had been sharing with me his thoughts for our future. But then the moment came. He looked me in the eye and said, "Keitha, if our dreams for ministry are actually achievable by our own efforts then we are simply dreaming too small." He would not let my eyes leave his. He was challenging me. A hard challenge. A True challenge. We sat silent, looking deeply at each other.
Something in me felt ill. Or scared. A sudden timidity made me want to find a shadow in which to hide. He wants to take me up to the high mountains of faith now, where the view is grand but the ground can be treacherous. I knew it was coming. This is the Song of Solomon story I have memorized. This is where she is called out of the chamber to More. This is that, I know it is. Now I understand why she didnt answer when her Beloved called the first time! But, because Ive memorized the story, I also know that cant be what I choose.
Many people ask me how I can just follow Doug come what may. How can I trust him to not ruin my life? I mean, after all, we are homeless right now. How can I follow him into the unknown? How can I know for sure that he is following the Lord... and what if he is mistaken?
My answer is simple. I cant put all my trust in Doug - that would be far too much pressure for him and would make him a god in my life. I am trusting the Lord.
You see, each and every day I ask the Lord to lead me through my husband, and to make Doug a great leader in the process. I have prayed that prayer for 3 years now. What that requires of me is to step back and let him lead...even if I dont agree. Especially if I dont. Do I share my thoughts? You bet, when needed. But not always. Many times, maybe most, I rather take them to the Lord. Miraculously, what has happened over these past 3 years of praying that prayer is day by day I learn more and more how to submit. First to God, then to my husband. Doug doesnt do everything well. He is learning. But his leadership (both inside our family and out) has increased by leaps and bounds since I made the commitment to get out of the way and trust the Lord to lead me through Doug! Likewise, I dont follow well all the time, even most of the time. I am learning. But the point is that I am trusting the Lord...and day by day I see His faithfulness! He knows my heart, my needs and the needs of my children.
Biblically Doug is called to be the head of our family, our earthly leader. The greatest way I can encourage him in that role, to help him develop in that role to his full potential, is to see him as that leader, treat him as that leader, and respect him as such. Even if I think he's totally off base! Ultimately it is a blind faith walk ... just like my parenting in this life season, schooling the girls...ok, really everything in my life. I have nothing but Gods word to rely on. Sound scary? Sometimes I think so too.
Will the Lord let me down? Thats not who He says He is. That is not who I have known Him to be. That is not who He has ever been. So, no, He wont. That is where I trust. And thats what I remind myself of when fear begins to creep in. I have to take every thought captive. I have to.
Simply dreaming too small, huh? Sigh.
"You should tell me now if you are not up for this," he said, not allowing my eyes to leave his. I sat silently, tears pooling beneath my lashes. Song of Solomon flashed through my mind once more - those lessons I have stored up in the quieter seasons. He is calling me out, through Doug.
I am being Led. To Life, not death.