+[putting it into practice]+

This week began the 5th season of unemployment for Doug since we married, the 4th in the past 6 years.   Much of what has been happening for me emotionally in the past weeks has been due to the knowing that this unemployment was coming.   Everything in me revolts in the face of uncertainty.   Its embarrassing really.  My actions show that I still see Dougs job as stability for me.   Sadly,  I trust in his bi-weekly paycheck.  When will I learn this lesson in action and not simply word?  God is my Provider, not my husband nor his job.    How can I ever be a woman that He uses in His Kingdom story if I dont trust Him in every uncertainty, believing (really believing) that He will Provide, that  His Plan is in place?    I think of Paul saying that he learned to be content in every circumstance.  Learned being the key word.  Is this my learning?  I tell the girls all the time that practice is the hardest part of learning.

Do I still believe the Lord is leading us?  Even in times or events I dont understand or agree with?  Do I still believe there is a Plan in place?  The same Plan as the one I celebrated in when what happened was what I wanted?  Ultimately I am back to the same question:  Do I believe in a Sovereign God who holds me in His hand and is giving me His Best for my life, what I would choose if I could see the whole tapestry He is weaving for my joy and His Glory? 


This week it took a near 15 year old Savannah respectfully and kindly addressing this with me for me to look it in its evil eye.   I love having children old enough now to preach back to me the Truth which resides within them.  Savannah is an idealist, like her mother.  She sees only black and white.  Time has jaded me in ways, allowing grey upon grey in my life.  But I revel in the black and whiteness of her views; they inspire me back to the woman I want to be, calm me.    I do adore these years with my children.  I adore that she is willing to challenge me, hold me accountable.

Dougs spirits are higher than they have ever been in this same situation, and mine are slowly following suite.  There will be fluctuations as each day passes.  Weve done it before,  so we know there will be ups and downs for both of us.    But, the benefit of doing it before is knowing what you are headed toward.  Somewhat like beginning a lengthy and deeply challenging hike which you know has the elements to separate your group (or physically and emotionally wipe you out altogether) you prepare differently in the beginning.  You plan differently, pace yourself differently, nourish yourself differently and ultimately then your expectations become different than they would on a different route.

Am I simply trying to get to the end of the trail as quickly as possible, beating my last time?  Certainly that has been my goal in the past. 

Or am I going to push myself and everyone around me, losing track of what relationship looks like in the midst of cramping, loss of footing, exhaustion and temporary loss of direction?  Im very good at this one.

Or this time, am I going to take in the view, watch and listen, stop when needed and see if, just maybe,  in the midst of the stretch and strain that there is also development and a new kind of teamwork?  Or a new level of Faith?  And take joy in that growth?  Yes, that is where my sights are now set.

Do I still believe the Lord is leading us? Even in times or events I dont understand or agree with? Do I still believe there is a Plan in place? The same Plan as the one I celebrated in when what happened was what I wanted? Ultimately I am back to the same question: Do I believe in a Sovereign God who holds me in His hand and is giving me His Best for my life, what I would choose if I could see the whole tapestry He is weaving for my joy and His Glory? 

I am being Asked to put into practice what I have learned in this journey so far.