For two years we have been unclear as to where we were headed. Well, we thought we knew, then all the doors closed. The worldly doors, that is.
Back in May, after waiting a full year 1/2 in prayer to move, Doug and I earnestly disagreed on what was going on. I translated our circumstances as God closing doors. Doug translated them simply as "wait". Much tension over that.
Sure enough, Doug was right. So glad I was encouraged by a very wise mentor in my life to follow my husband regardless...trusting the Lord to speak through him. That was so hard, so lengthy and so very cultivating for our marriage. And pruning for me as a woman. It was some of the best advice I have ever been given. Yes, this Advent I think back to when everything was so fuzzy not so long ago.
He taught me that as I cried silently with Him, trying desperately to follow Doug. He taught me that as I flipped and flopped emotionally in that nondescript wingback chair by my bedroom window staring and praying for guidance. He taught me that as each and everyday I struggled to be intentional regardless of my circumstances vs. always looking forward. Most days I failed at that, but He kept leading me on. This is not really my home.
So now many are saying, "Arent you so glad to finally be settled? Home?" Sometimes I just smile. Because sometimes thats all they want...not my real thoughts. But more times than not they get the real answer, lengthy as it is:
"This is really not my home. My satisfaction will never come from these walls and I will never be filled by roots being put down here. I learned that lesson looking out over that beautiful Minnesota snow, in endless winter where branches are bare because they are in transition toward growth, but not because they will never be bare again. I learned there that He and He alone is my dwelling place, my home. I learned the unrushed season by season way, but I learned. So, as funny as it sounds, Ive had very little emotion about being here. Im thankful to the depths of my innermost being, but not emotional. Emotions I do have are about Him - His mercy, faithfulness, extreme kindness, personal touches and answering of my most quietly whispered prayers."
I want what He has in mind for us being here, for however long. I want to use this home for His purposes, to shelter those He brings here. I now understand that He leads me as He chooses, in His timing. When He moves us again, that will be His best for us. And, with Grace, we will follow.
The wise men...I wonder how much conversation they had about leaving to follow that star. Im quite sure it wasnt a unanimous, immediate decision. Leaving everything, all comforts, with very little... to follow a star that seemingly no one else was following. Alone. Life is typically more complicated than unanimous, instant answers amongst people. And what those Magi eventually found they never expected to keep only for themselves, never to go elsewhere. Indeed no! What they found was Christ Himself and they could do nothing more than worship with their gifts then go and share their story. May our family be just like them - following, worshiping with every gift He has given us, then going out to give Testimony. Clinging to Him alone as our Home.